OK. So, this is getting really annoying. I have a friend who is perpetually depressed and obsessed with her own oh-so horrible life/ways to end it, but she's one of those people who figures that if she's going to be miserable, she's going to try to drag down everybody else with her, too. She tried to commit suicide in February by ODing on Tylenol, she failed and was in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) for a couple days, then sent to a mental hospital for a few weeks. For a while, she'd start getting upset again and then be like "Oh wait, my counselor told me...." and then cope for a bit. By now she's way back to normal, if not worse, than what she originally was at. (Though my first memory of her is her looking depressed and shadowing another friend at the Moon Festival party when I first moved to this town 6 years ago.) I am so tired of being friendly/nice to her, then having her be bitterly angry and lashing out at me. (I'm one of the few people who's still bothering to try to act nice to her...) I'd love to just completely ignore her and go to the silence most of our other mutual friends are treating her with by now, except that, of course, I'd feel somewhat bad about it, but ignoring that that'd make life for the next 2.5 years (until I graduate from high school, since honestly there's no way we're going to end up at the same college) excruciatingly painful. She goes to all the same math/science competitions I do (and as a result, she said a while ago that if she ever got a gun and didn't kill herself, she'd like to shoot me, my boyfriend, and one of our other friends because we're "competition" to her...in other words she almost never places in those competitions because of us, and the private school kids from some bigger nearby cities), not to mention will probably end up attempting to take the same straight honors and AP classes I'll be taking for the rest of high school. Oh, and since we're both Chinese, and "all the Asian kids know each other" (not to mention the parents), all those mutual dining parties, the New Year's+Moon Festival parties, etc., will also be painfully awkward. In summary, I can't avoid her due to mutual events and classes we're in (none of which I'm going to drop out of), and I'm really fed up with her attitude. I can't just go to ignoring her, though, because she might try to kill herself again, and her parents seem to have conveniently decided that anything she does to herself (cutting, burning, scratching, etc.) they're going to blame on me. (Long story behind that. But basically they're the type of Asian people who think white people are unconditionally better than Asians...and almost all of her other friends are white.) Any advice whatsoever on what I can possibly do would be amazing.
You can lash out at her. The next time she's being whiney, just yell at her. Explode. Tell her what you believe, and the truth. Maybe this will give her the "reality check" she needs and deserves. If you really feel she's going to hurt you/someone/herself, then tell a teacher/school employee. Here in Michigan, teachers are required by law to report any kids who they feel may be dangerous. Maybe that way she'll be protected at least (and you/everyone else will to) ^_^ Just my two cents. I have a friend who used to be kinda like that... now she's better until a man/her ex's new girl looks at her
I screenshotted her gmail statuses for a week or two and dropped that off anonymously in the counselor's office; a few weeks later her group of then-really close 3 white friends went in to the office together to go inform them, as well. The next day she took 24 Tylenol. Her parents refuse to see her problem. Another mutual friend, whose older sister (famous for having taken like 5 languages and is now at Yale) had been suicidal/depressed/self-injuring for a while but made a full recovery, had started noticing her symptoms worsening about half a year before her suicide attempt, told his mom, who then called this girl's mom and gave her the number for the therapist who'd helped that sister. Her mom was just like "Why are you giving me this number? Are you insulting me? There is nothing wrong with my daughter!" After the suicide attempt, her mom called my mom first to ask for a prognosis (my mom's a MD), second she called for that therapist. I don't think her mom ever actually took her there, though....part of Chinese culture is the idea of not "losing face" by admitting there's actually a problem.
1. Something's wrong with her parents. If that's the way they act then it doesn't seem they'll be too helpful in this recovery process. I suspect that they may be giving her a hard time at home and making matters worse. 2. If the school you go to has more than its share of problems (fights, drugs, etc), then I don't think the counselors will have time to handle the situation. Even in a relatively good school, my counselors are still overwhelmed by their daily work. If things get bad, I would call the police or some suicide/depression hotline. And since she's already tried to commit suicide once, you should do this sooner than later before she tries it again. This is especially true if she's threatening others. 3. Be nice to her, but she clearly has a lot of problems in her life so don't put her in awkward situations which will make her lash out.
Well.. Personally you can either take care of her, or you can take care of yourself. The people you hang around have an ENORMOUS affect on yourself. Especially in terms of self-esteem, confidence, amibition etc etc. I'll be surprised if your friend hasn't already negatively started affecting you. Look, I'm not saying to burn bridges and give her the finger.. But heck, this is your life and your going to have to live the next 70 odd years.. You have to get your own shit moving, people like you friend sound like they love the attention. Maybe when they were younger, they were ignored and now this is there chance to be in the spotlight. Im not saying that her problems arent real (I don't even know what they are), but you need to make some decisions about your own welfare at this point. Cause it sounds like your really hurting from all these circumstance. She has professional help which is more than you, me or even her parents can give.. Maybe still nice but slowly give her and you some space.
On your 1. point, Chinese culture is very strictly instilled, and yeah, Anfan is right that in the culture, it is not traditional to really admit there's a problem. And, since Chinese New Year is coming up in a month and New Year is here, there is absolutely no way they are going to say anything to "embarrass" and "bring bad luck" to the new year. My mom is a lot like that because she just pissed off when my dad said the word 'dead' (in Chinese) since it's the New Year. Ugh, superstitious stuff. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back to Anfan, does your friend really know and acknowledge that she has a problem? My mom had a problem similar when my sister was young to this (a lot less dramatic), and she'd always piss off at my sister and beat her up really bad. She had depression-like symptoms and high blood pressure, she's been a lot better now since we've (sister and I) have grown a lot older. Luckily, my dad was a pharmacist, and he understood her problem and was able to get to a doctor and medicine. Your friend really just needs to go to medical care, get her life straightened up, even if it has to be pills. Then, her parents really have to just take care of her from then on.
Hey, I'm Chinese and have tons of Chinese friends but I don't think a single one of them us parents remotely like that. Culture is one thing, but being unconcerned for someone's (your own daughter of all people) life is disgusting.
No I understand the whole 'saving face' thing. My parents are like that too, but not to that extent: if, god forbid, I or my sister had a problem like that, they'd definitely help, but I highly doubt they'd tell anyone about it.
@DeNo: She probably already has been having a negative effect on me. My parents want me to stay away from her (even though it'll make things awkward for them; my town has the state university+hospital so almost all the Chinese kids I know, dad=professor at university and mom=works at hospital as nurse, MD, researcher, something), my boyfriend points out she's a bad friend/influence for me. I just feel sorry for her and want to try to help her...I usually do feel a lot more down after being around her, though. =/ @Zer0: It's pretty much impossible to avoid situations where she lashes out, considering school. Flute tryouts for solos in band; one of our mutual friends gets one solo and another friend gets the piccolo solo. She acts really beepy all day. We just finish taking a test in some class; she goes around asking everyone their scores and if you don't tell her just acts really mean. (E.g. PSAT results, essays for AP World Studies, math tests.) You score better than her, she gets really depressed. You score worse than her, she acts arrogant/superior and is really mean to you. (Sore winner, and sore loser.) And, I think her parents *are* trying to help, but they're afraid of triggering her...her mom now looks about 20 years older than before February (always looks sleep-deprived and has a hollow look in eyes), they've let her quit violin, piano, tennis, MYO (orchestra), etc., and seem to be terrified of pushing her too far again. @Lightning: She recognizes that she has a problem, but mostly just whines about being "too weak" to pull out of it. It used to be that she was "depressed and want to cut myself, but I'm not strong enough"; now she's having these problems and complains she's not strong enough to heal. A little while ago I ended up complaining to her that that's what friends are for; even if she doesn't feel strong enough on her own she has a network of friends who are here to help try to pull her out. (One problem with that, though, is that she's convinced another mutual friend, who moved here last year and is really funny/nice and making a ton of friends, is "stealing" all her friends away from her. In short, she's convinced all her friends are being stolen and she has "no real friends.") I guess things are kind of starting to look up a little, though. She was crying the other day about how her "heart is breaking because" she's "losing all" her friends (another reason I don't want to try to distance us; she'll just be convinced she's losing her friends and might be a trigger), after holding a sleepover I think she's a little reassured. And on FB she just tagged a bunch of us with the caption "My New Year's Resolution - To be as wonderful a friend as you've all been to me. Happy New Year!"
One-way plane ticket to Alaska. I'll buy. Seriously though, if she has issues like that, she sounds like she should be wearing a straight jacket in a mental institution. I hope someone else gives better advice, because I have nothing.
....Canada? We're trying to fix her problems, not make them worse! Come to Australia, we have kangaroo's for buses here.