Really, its for a class. This is my final short fiction story, and I could use some more people to read it over. It's not that long, just over three pages (single spaced, seven and a half double spaced) and everyone who's read it has told me that it has a good story Please tell me what you think ^_^ WARNING: contains graphic violence. Viewer discretion is advised.
Must say I enjoyed that, and hating english and reading thats a suprise Just two things really: 1. A warning in first post? Some kids (we have a lot of U16) may not want to read about death and the stuff you wrote about.. (Maybe just me being paranoid) 2. The ending was a bit rushed in my view. I think you could of possibly dragged the ending out more. Dno just my view? :s Nice work though
Wow, pretty macabre. What SoC said on the warning. I liked it, it was good! In the first conversation the language was a little too...proper? I felt it was unrealistic with today's use of language. eg that is - that's Herman is - Herman's I am here because it is my job - I'm here because it's my job (not in the first convo, but stood out) Unless that was intentional. Later on it wasn't noticeable at all, like you fixed it up. "forgive yourself for all the awesome things you did" = hilarious
No offense, but it sounds like the base of your story came from a novel called "Thr3e", by Ted Dekker.
First post edited to contain a warning ^_^ SoC - This /is/ the extended version Closure was never my thing... Commy - awesome was supposed to be awful -_- a typo for sure. And the conversation... well, I just think like that sometimes. No other explanation... Saito and Domini - I've never heard of Thr3e... Great comments everyone :funky: I'm glad to see such support ^_^
Thanks for adding a warning Mucho appreciated. As for this being the extended version, then personally I'd concentrate on closure of this story in more depth and in future all potential stories. A bad ending will mean I would never read the same author again. Big disappointed. Even more-so than a "dry middle section" of a book. But imo this is still a good story =) well worth 5 mins of anyones time. <3
I had never even thought to put a warning. My class is Writing Poetry and Short Fiction, and I'm more of a poetry person. I wasn't too worried about the ending, because short stories don't always have sequels (and often don't) so an open ending may leave for more thought and discussion. We had a story we read from our anthology that left us with some questions, so I figured this crummy ending would suffice. But I'm very glad it's still a good story, poor ending and everything.
Do you want a serious (aka. will pick on numerous things english teacher type) critique? I agree with SoC on the ending, the slip with "awesome" and "awful" is a very funny slip considering the story, The first line or two felt like you showed a bit of your poetry roots which isn't a problem unless you didn't want that. Good effort overall though I don't think short stories are an ideal form for the way you express things, nothing you can do about homework though