I am full of emotional vulnerability.

Yeah it's from my mom. And it's annoying me. Most of the time i'm not guna lie, but I cry over things that I know aren't worth crying for. It's not like I feel hurt, or upset, the tears just flow out according to situation, even though my brain knows how to be strong.

Especially with my dad. Yesterday I over heard him call me a "lazy fuck" in chinese and he called me "fucking crazy" for wanting to learn piano because we have "no fucking money to waste on that sort of stuff". He said all that in Chinese and chinese swears sound a lot harsh. The thing was, I didn't do ANYTHING to him, and he didn't expect me to hear that. I just woke up and over heard him talking crap about me.

I couldn't help but to be angry. My dad thinks i'm useless because he has a new family now. He ranted about having to work, and looking after my baby sister, and going grocery shopping. Why the HELL would you rant about grocery shopping? He NEVER gets anything for ME. He doesn't look after me because he wants to, he is looking after me because he is obligated to and it makes me feel sad that i've never had a proper family, which is mostly my own driving force for wanting to go to Uni and treating my kids well in the future. When I told my dad I got in Uni, he didn't even care. All he said was "We're not paying. Figure it out." and I didn't even ask him to.

It's just frustrating, because i'm a cry baby; and the crap i've been through all my life strengthened me as a person, but I still can't tell my dad the stuff he should to hear about ME and how I FEEL. It's not a nice thing hearing your own dad calling you useless, and being all arrogant. He believes that I can't ever be better than him, and he says that in front of all my relatives. He brags about everything he does, but tries to put down everything I ever do.

I am always the one who understands. I understand he made poor judgments in his life that made us so poor. Which is why I never dared to ask for anything EVER. I don't even ask for money for most of my school stuff anymore. I try so hard to pay for my own summer school, my own food, my own everything. I only ask him if I REALLY REALLY feel that I need a break from standing on my own two feet :/

Almost everything he says pisses me off, cuz he doesn't know me at ALL & trust me, I tried to put effort to get to know my dad and "love" him but I can't anymore. I tend to want to cry when i'm pissed off, so i'm never able to say anything to him. I usually just walk away whenever he says shit about me.

I can go on and on...but I just need to rant. My dad doesn't appreciate me at all. He knows nothing about me, but he goes around judging me. Just because I don't say anything, he thinks i'm stupid.

I'm so sick of it and no one in the world would ever know how that feels. {I lied..but no one I know anyways..}

That's that. My whole point is, is it even possible to stop being such a stupid cry baby? I want to be able to say things I want without my voice shaking, without tears in my eyes. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am thankful that I can remind myself of what's in front, and what's important. My dad's been putting me down all my life, and I believe that if I stand through it all in the end, i'll be freed from all this and show him i'm not useless. I'll never expect him to try and get to "know" me as a person, I just want him to know for once that he's quite wrong in half the things he believe in. I don't want people to pity me, but so far the people who have helped me walk these 18 short years of life really helped me a whole lot. I am so happy I met people I did, and I believe we meet certain people in life for a reason.

Sigh. [/endrant]

 

Mooie... I have the SAME problem!! The Crying thing that is. I cry at EVERYTHING. Every serious emotion turns into tears. Sadness, Anger, Frustration, hell even Laughter brings me to tears sometimes lol. I absolutely hate it because it makes me feel as if I'm weaker since I can't say what I want without sounding like a blabbering baby. I know what you mean, and it sucks. I've been trying to overcome that and it's very hard.. I honestly don't think I ever will. It's just a part of who I am. I'm a very sensitive being, and I'm sure you're the same way.

As far as your dad thing goes.. I say F him. Don't do it all just to prove to him that you're better than worthless, do it for YOU. I never had a good relationship with my father either so I know how that goes. Whatever you end up doing, going off to uni, having a family, becoming successful, etc.. don't do it just to prove a point to your dad who hasn't done anything to deserve the effort. Do it for yourself. Do it so that you can prove to yourself that you're more than useless.

And you're nowhere close to useless!! <3

 

I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for myself already, and i'm only stopping along the way down the plan to prove to him in the mean while. Consider it sort of like a convenience.

But thanks for the word of encouragement. There's a reason why I care about everyone I meet, even people online; it's because i'm sensitive, and I feel that everyone deserves to be treated nicely. It's just inevitable that I always end up being the one who gets hurt but at least there's always a lesson behind anything that's bad. I can only be happy that i'll learn something.

 

I started off writing a long, emotional response to that, then deleted it since I'm not exactly sure how things are going atm...

Anyways. Mooie, my first reaction from that is just being so happy for you that you're taking this and growing stronger from it, b/c no matter how cliche, it's true that if you can endure the pain, you'll be that much stronger. I'm really glad for you that you CAN endure it, and that you'll get through and pull motivation out of it and come out on top, like I'm sure you will. (Rather than collapsing and giving up like so many others I know...)

 

*huggle*
It'll all work out! Promise <3

 

I can't understand what you feel inside of you, what you think, what you want to do with your problems. I just can't, because i'm not you.

Still, I have a father. I'm not as close to him as I would like it to be, but I still love him. And he loves me too. I know it. And I can tell you, from my own experiences, that it is something important to know that your parents love you.

What I think, after reading your post, is that I'm sure that there is something to do for you to have a better relationship with your father. I'm not disagreeing on the fact that you don't want to try again to know and love your father. I totally respect your idea, as long as this is what you really want. You know, problematic relationships usually solve themselves when you distance yourself from the other person with which you are in conflict.

You feel you can't stand your father anymore?
Maybe you feel you would be better living at one of your friend's house/apartment?
You say you feel you're emotionally vulnerable?

This is not good at all. Damn girl. You are, if I judge your post, a very beautiful and very intelligent person. Why would you stay home if home only brings you more negative than positive things? You say that you very rarely ask your parents for something, that you pay your own things, your own food, your school stuff. Yourself. That's the keyword: yourself. You ain't depending on your parents at all. Then, what do you concretely owe them? If I were you, I would take a break. I would write to your father about how you feel. Not to make him feel guilty. Just to relate the facts according to you. To aware him of the things how you see them. Hopefully, he would realize that he has something to change. If he doesn't, then so what? You are already living the situation which you denounce.

You know, I'm not trying to tell you what to do or what not to do. This is just a suggestion. In a way, writing to your father forces him to read until your last word, and you avoid the harsh talk or what ever could happen if you told him this face to face. Even better, if you absent yourself for some time (mentionning where you are in your letter, with a phone number to avoid any frustration from him), it will give him time to ponder everything before actually responding to your letter.

Anyway, who am I to tell you all these things? You are the one that knows what you know and that feels what you feel. Just don't forget that even if you find yourself emotionally vulnerable, you're a fabulous person, unique. No one is perfect, and you're not alone. Keep that in mind: you ain't alone. There will always be many helpful and kind persons everywhere around you to help you.

Hoping that this gets better Mooie!

Phil

(Oh and sorry if there are any mistakes, i'm a frenchie )

 

You know I can't say I'm in the same situation as you Moo, I love my mom and dad, but I am one of those who begin to choke up when I try to express my feelings. This is my opinion but you can definitely write to your dad if talking to him is hard. I did that once to my sister after we had a huge fight; cause if I tried to talk to her, I'd probably get even more frustrated. The only person I ever physically had an argument with was my brother but that's another story. My parents always expressed the importance of family. You can distance yourself and maybe things will cool down between you guys. Maybe you can talk to your mom. I know my dad completely adores my sister cause she's "Daddy's Girl" he never punishes her for anything and is always on my case about everything. You're his daughter he has to feel something. I dunno I'm just tryin to help. Cheer up moo, you're a great person. It'll all get better.

 

Coming from a very abusive household myself, I think the best thing for you to do is forget about him and his hang-ups. You'll kill yourself trying to figure out what's wrong with him. Who cares? It's his problem. You need to concentrate on your own survival and well-being. Period. Easier said than done? Yes. But absolutely true nonetheless.

 

I'd like to be closer than a 48 hours drive...
You are stong Mooie. Never doubt it.

*Big hug*

 

I am also mentally getting upset from day by day due to the fact that neither i nor my family cooperate each others in different matters.

 

I wrote him a letter trust me. It was 4 pages back and front on lined paper. This was almost 3 years ago but my feelings for him were none the less the same as mine today, except o have new understanding and knowledge. That time I tehnically said at the end of my letter that I was going to stay else where until he realizes there are the old things in life (me as a daughter from his first wife) who are just as important as the new things in life that makes you happy today. He told me to come home an forgot about everything in a week. He was abusive to me even as a kid. He never had the patience for me so I always had to take the consequence for his anger and stress and I'll never forget these things -.- I don't want a relationship with my dad anymore. My mom is just as worst. The people who should be the closest to me end up being the ones that are of great distance away, both in distance and in heart. I thought I would be able to sleep on all this and be cheerful today but I guess not I still feel the same negative vibe. I know it will get better; probably just need to give it a few more days!

I appreciate all these insightful knowledge and words of reassurance. And all the hugs!

 

I feel for you Mooie. I've had some issues with my father as well, but I doubt they're even close to those that you seem to have. The most important thing is that you do what you want, and do what you love to do. Your happiness should be your first priority because you deserve it. <3

 

Thank you Virre <3 I think everyone in the world deserve to be treated nicely. However with my, I never got to do anything I truly love because my dad thinks i'm not worth investing in. He actually told me that. I would go do all these things, they don't cost a lot, but sadly I don't have enough for anything :/ I rarely ever spend money on anything..let alone doing things I enjoy, like taking drawing classes, piano, violin, etc. u_u Even braces. These things are so trivial in my opinion, but it's not thje fact my dad will go broke if he provided me with a "jump start" he just won't fork out anything and won't encourage me.

Which is why I really wish the future would be better cuz there's nothing more than the satisfaction of making my own money and doing what I want with the money I earned.

 

I did type something long out, but decided to delete it.

I don't really know what to say except that I feel really bad. I just find it really weird that some people find it hard to explain things NICELY especially to their own blood. Is it that hard to explain that money's tight? Like.. you weren't even asking for money, and even if you hardly ever ask for it, he just assumed whatever. I know it sounds really personal and stuff, but it just sounds horrible, and I don't know if i would be strong enough to go through what you've been through and for that I really respect you.

I know it sounds really corny and stuff, but I do. xD

And I know that you'll be successful, and when you'll older (lol?), you can treat yourself extra well..?
I know life doesn't work like that or whatever, but I still don't see things like you do being younger and everything.