She lay there in a bikini. Her healthy olive skin contradicted her gaunt face and weary, elven expression. The sun shone down, heat skipping off the water, and then steadily slithering onto the sand in searing waves. The light cast deep shadows over her ribs into her concave stomach. I looked at the pattern each rib made over her body. I imagined myself a tiny insect, dancing around the mountains and valleys that made her ribcage. I tried to measure how far her hips stuck out. I guessed a good ten centimeters as they looked like they might escape from the beastly strap of leathery skin holding them in. I thought she might be dead, I could not imagine any amount of organs squeezing into what was left of her torso. She stood up. A skeleton misplaced from its realm of darkness. A sheer corpse refusing to let go of its soul. As she walked across the sand her knees struggled and shook with every step she took. They were old factories working over time. The nuts and bolts holding them together covered in rust, as they moved the rust was chipping off, yet it was the only thing holding them together. The visible detail in her knees was too much to think about, unnatural. There came a gentle breeze. She even seemed to sway slightly and lose her balance. She seemed such a weak creature, so full of vanity and determination. The bug-eyed sunglasses she wore magnified the sharp edges of her face. Strings of hair fell past her ears beside her jagged cheeks. I could see her fringe just covering the dry red sores on her forehead. Perhaps her skull actually was breaking through the skin on her head. She lifted her glasses and looked at me. I didn’t realize I had been staring. I was looking at myself. For a second I thought I had seen anger and pride. As I looked at my reflection in her gaping eyes I saw a cry for help. Suddenly, I could feel her agony. My stomach twisted and lurched. It was burning. I could feel all the soft organs in me melting to a pulp. My bones were screaming. As I tried to move my joins grinded against each other and I could feel the sparks of fire that came from this. I tilted my head back in pain, my neck snapped, and then I felt nothing. I looked straight up into the sun. Its round shape looked horrid and fat. The next light I saw was different. There were many of them. They were just as bright as the sun but they were long and thin. I liked them. As I woke up I felt the throbbing pain of the drip needle feeding fluid into my blood. I recognized the tubes going down in my mouth and my nose leading down the back of my throat. I hated this feeling, it kept me awake. I didn’t eat the meals, so they gave me this instead. They didn’t even explain how it worked. They think I don’t understand or that I can’t listen. How can I feel better when something I have no idea about or control over is keeping me alive? The girl next to me had panic attacks. Her brother had Down syndrome and her father was in jail so naturally her mother didn’t have time for her. All she wanted was some attention I thought, so here she was. I had been giving her my meals, she was happy to eat them for me. When the doctor found out he gave me the tubes. One time the girl encouraged me to eat my own meals. I had a grain of rice. As I swallowed it the thought of it filling my stomach sent me into panic. I had no control as my undisciplined stomach devoured it. That night I cut myself to make sure it would never happen again. I didn’t even bleed. My skin just opened revealing a red hole that was the inside of my wrist. Everyone around me found this a big deal. They thought that plastic cutlery couldn’t pierce skin. Another reason for me to have the tubes in the end. Every time this machine feeds me I want to cry. I can hardly move even to pull up the sheets when it’s cold. The other girl went home after a few days. I was angry at her. She was a waste of space and all she needed to do was get over her self and accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with her. She wants the tubes because it will make people feel sorry for her and because they would prove she needs help. All I want is control over me. Something that can’t happen here, I will die before I get what I want. Everyone else makes the choices for me. The machine controls me, I am utterly alone. Commentary This piece came to mind as a result of the week seven exercise of writing about an image that fascinates you using language that shifts from the realistic to fantasy. I started writing about a picture of and anorexic girl laying on the beach. I did this trying to use strong imagery. As my work progressed I used the first part of my story as a dream, then the character would describe reality. The second part of the text was supposed to be a lot blunter in its imagery. For the first half, I had trouble trying to describe the girl and her setting in the way I wanted without sounding cheesy or using clichés. I may have failed slightly in this and clichés are often what communicate to a reader as they have heard them before and know what they mean. With this piece I wanted to give the reader an insight into what someone with an eating disorder might feel during their illness. I wanted to do this in a way that was subtle in its narration yet struck the reader hard and gives a strong impact. I did this by having the narrator discuss some things as a fact of life for her where as for most other people they would be a horrible thing to face. -Moved.
I really like it. The images you use are very strong, and they communicate very well. The insect imagery you used in the beginning was very powerful. but, if I may ask, how does this apply to Neopets?
I like it, it does start out very strong but fades by the end. Also read the story out loud to yourself, some parts just don't flow right. Watch your repetition and pronouns, you can replace words like 'she' 'her' and 'them' with metaphors that can strengthen the piece if done right.
Lol English teacher here!! Anyway, as a high schooler, I liked your story. In our standards its top writing, creating detailed images in the readers mind.
Yeah i accidentaly first posted this in the neopets general chitchat but somebody moved it here so thanks. :maha: We were just talking about my story in the chat box a couple days ago so i just whacked it here. and thankyou for your comments everyone. I had to workshop this story and read it out to the tute yesterday at uni and everyone liked it i was amazed lol. Apparently nobody thought it was cliche. I got a D- for it (a distinction minus, high distinction + being the best grade you can get). I lost grades for my commentary because I didnt elude to any writers that may have influenced me (i was supposed to?).