MY SONG...

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by dahero18, Feb 18, 2008.

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  1. dahero18

    dahero18 Level II

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    k so im gonna own the previous post on here with my song:

    Your eyes shine,
    Your face twines,
    When I look,
    You make my heart, cook.

    I love your laugh,
    I love your smile,
    I can not wait,
    Another little while

    Now come to me,
    I want you here.
    Now, follow me
    I want you near.

    Ill wait for you,
    As long as it takes.
    Just promis me
    We'll have no mistakes.

    Now come to me,
    I want you here.
    Now, follow me
    I want you near.

    I was scared to like you,
    But not anymore.
    Your perfect for me
    And thats all I care for.

    Now come to me,
    I want you here.
    Now, follow me
    I want you near. x2

    Will you do me the honers,
    And look me in the eyes.
    And tell me that you love me,
    Have I won the grand prize?
     
    #1 dahero18, Feb 18, 2008
  2. golan

    golan Level I

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    you wrote that? if so ..... its very good kinda cheezy but good :D
     
    #2 golan, Feb 18, 2008
  3. roboz

    roboz Level I

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    Pretty short lines for a song. Could be more of a poem.
     
    #3 roboz, Feb 18, 2008
  4. Cheeto

    Cheeto Level IV

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    I like Lasers better!

    But yea, way too short to be a song. Too repetitive.
     
    #4 Cheeto, Feb 18, 2008
  5. Commy

    Commy Moderator
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    Not necessarily too short for a song. It could be a slow song, in which case, it'd be quite long.
     
    #5 Commy, Feb 18, 2008
  6. dahero18

    dahero18 Level II

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    Thanks for the feedback guys, I understand the lengthiness is a problem, but I want more feedback on the actual story that takes place. (the content)
     
    #6 dahero18, Feb 18, 2008
  7. sweetnshort

    sweetnshort Newbie

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    This is such an awesome song!!!!
     
    #7 sweetnshort, Feb 20, 2008
  8. Commy

    Commy Moderator
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    Hrmm...I'm not sure what you're after for feedback. I can see a few typos? If you want me to be pedantic I could list them for you.
    4th line, 1st verse. That comma you've added there, are you calling her a cook? Because I think you're saying that looking at the object of the song makes your heart hot. Adding the comma changes the meaning of the line.
    Could you clarify what you mean by "Your face twines" in the second line of the 1st verse?
    Because from my understanding, it means to twist something? So is her face twisting or turning?
    http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/twine
    Perhaps:
    Your eyes shine,
    When you look in mine

    But I'm no song writer, so you can disregard it.
     
    #8 Commy, Feb 20, 2008
  9. Angelika

    Angelika Moderator

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    You spelled honor wrong.

    Overall, I think it's a pretty cheesy song, but if that's what you were going for, good job. :)
     
    #9 Angelika, Feb 20, 2008
  10. Smelly

    Smelly Level IV

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    its all about the cheesy songs
     
    #10 Smelly, Feb 20, 2008
  11. sandman6

    sandman6 Level I

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    not bad not bad at all.... B)
     
    #11 sandman6, Feb 21, 2008
  12. rapmasterg

    rapmasterg Newbie

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    The song leaves you wondering what's going to happen...
     
    #12 rapmasterg, Feb 21, 2008
  13. HWarrior

    HWarrior Level I

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    Its good, but it is confusing what part is the verse and which part is the chorus.
     
    #13 HWarrior, Feb 21, 2008
  14. Commy

    Commy Moderator
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    The part that repeats is the chorus. Isn't that the way with most songs?
     
    #14 Commy, Feb 22, 2008
  15. Acorn

    Acorn Level I

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    I do agree, it does sound kind of cheesy o_O
    But with good instrumental choice you could make it clash out.
     
    #15 Acorn, Feb 22, 2008
  16. Tofurky

    Tofurky Level IV

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    That's not a song.
    That's called lyrics. A song is music.
     
    #16 Tofurky, Feb 23, 2008
  17. lalalala

    lalalala Newbie

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    at least they had a go at it
     
    #17 lalalala, Mar 1, 2008
  18. rusting

    rusting Level I

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    I'm not really feeling it. It's kind of strange. Maybe you should make it a little more realistic?
     
    #18 rusting, Mar 2, 2008
  19. Limmum

    Limmum Newbie

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    I really like it, and the choice of words. With the right instruments, it could be pulled off so well.
     
    #19 Limmum, Mar 4, 2008
  20. xcoasterx

    xcoasterx Level II

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    Make it a rock song :)
     
    #20 xcoasterx, Mar 6, 2008
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