So.. I have a question. I have this ex-friend who I haven’t spoken to for almost three years now. She was having mental issues (semi-depression level) and started to become a stressful part of my life. There’s a lot to the story that I’d rather not go into, but it had been building up for a couple years. In the end I decided that it’d be best if I just cut it off because she was starting to not care about my feelings, etc, and was bringing me down with her. Now, three years later, she’s started hanging out with a couple members of our group of friends again and the questions about whether or not we’d ever consider being friends again has been brought up more than once by them. Honestly, I’ve thought about it a few times, but I always hit a wall about how I really feel about it. I don’t know if I’m ready to face that past again, or if we could even just look past it and start fresh. I don’t want to apologize for the way things ended, because we won’t agree on fault and I don’t feel that I was wrong. The problem is, if she’s starting to come around more often, I don’t want to make it awkward for my friends if we both show up at the same function. But I also don’t want them to have to chose to invite one and not the other. Should I try to reconnect with her and see where it takes me? Should I try to face the past issues or should I try to take a “start fresh” approach? A lot has happened in the three years since we’ve spoken, including some very major events. I don’t know how you can just pick up a friendship again after so long. I’m just not sure if it’s what I want or if it’s me thinking it’s what I want just because of my friends. (I'll give more info to clarify as it's needed) PS. If this is in the wrong place, feel free to move it
I do believe that the past should be the past. You should try to reconnect with her, maybe go get coffee, and do not try to pretend the past didnt happen. Just talk to her about it and see how you both feel about what happened. The fact that she wants to make an effort with your group of friends is a good sign, so you should try to and when you talk to ehr, you should have a good understanding of whether or not you guys will be able to do it.
Well I was thinking starting to reconnect via email first.. not face to face lol. And the thing is that the problem between me and her was bigger than what happened between her and anyone else. Her and I were friends far before we met the rest of the group, and we had more of a sisterly bond at one point. So it makes it a little bit harder to just reconnect, ya know? Plus, the ones she's reconnected with are the guys, who we all know don't usually make it as complicated as girls do lol.
lol that is true about it being easier for the guys, but still, I would say, go just get coffee with her and talk it out. Email is too tough to do, would be super slow and it is hard to see how the person really is reacting. If you do it in person, you will be able to see what she wants in the situation, whether it be a real friendship again, or just make it so that you guys can be in the same room together
Yea that makes sense, things don't come across the same in emails as they do hearing the person's tones etc. But coffee.. you don't know how awkward it would be!! I think if anything I might start with an email, short and sweet, just to feel it out. Then if that goes ok I may try to meet up to finish talking. But idk if I'm prepared to hear what she has to say to be honest.
I don't know why you wouldn't at very worst, it is a discussion that currently isn't a friend and will stay that way. But from doing it, you have a lot you can gain, another friendship. An email at the start might be smart and see if she would even want to meet up, you will just have to see about that.
I've writen like 5 responses and deleted them all because I didn't think they would help. Having been in a somewhat similar situation (I suspect that most girls end up in a situation like this at some point), I think you really need to figure out if you want to try to be friends with her again or if it is only for the benefit of the group, and act accordingly. Personally, I don't think that rehashing the past will help much, it usually only brings back the old feelings of resentment and anger. But if you want to start over, coffee is probably a good place to start, like you mentioned above.
I usually say that past should stay the past. I mean, I hate holding grudges, and three years is a long time - she might've changed. I have been in somewhat similar situations a couple of times, but I always let the benefit of the doubt come to mind. I don't think that you should totally ignore what happened and maybe be a bit more cautious, but if your friends are hanging out with her, you could at least give her a chance. Not meaning that you should be bffs with her, but it wouldn't hurt to hang out with her. I've had some big troubles with a girl who was very angry towards me and even ended up beating me up several times. Some of my "friends" (read: people I saw on a not so regular basis) were friends with her, and I never came when I knew she came. I was aware of the fact that she had some problems (maybe even drugs involved) so I kinda just stayed away from her. Not so long ago I met her in a club where I was with my friends and I totally ignored her even though she talked to the people I was there with. Suddenly, she told me she was so very sorry about what happened at that she had had some major issues. I was like; I don't forgive you, but I will try to look past it. See what I mean? I didn't commit to a friendship with her, but I accepted she was there and I answered when she talked to me, but I'll NEVER see her or hang out with her alone or on my initiative. But I let the past be the past though I still remember.
Yea what you guys are saying makes sense. And it makes me feel better about it all. I guess it won't hurt to reach out and try to at least be civil again, i.e. being able hang out in the same place and not have it be awkward. I know I've changed and grown up in three years, if others have given her another chance, she must have done some growing up in that time herself. Thanks for all the advice guys! Now.. where to start and how much do I actually say? lol I'll come up with something.
Yeah, saying nothing usually makes things worse =D But according to my experience it just comes naturally. Maybe sit down with her and tell her how you feel about it, she might be having the same problems. IF she changed, it may be hard for her to tell you that she's actually sorry or however she feels about the whole thing. It can make it easier if you tell her that you are ready to start over and just see where things goes
If she didnt respect your feelings and you gave up on her, where you really friends to begin with? People face all kinds of things in their lives, people need friends who will be there regardless of whats happening and maintain respect for one another. If you dont have respect or if you have the habit of abandoning friendship when they need it most (although I dont know the whole story) then its probably best to leave it alone. But if she is in the same circles, being civil to one another is probably best.
I had a friend about a year ago and we had a big argument and didnt speak for about 8 months at all, even though we were really close, and then a week ago i was out in town and i saw her and we were both having a few drinks so we ended up speaking and now we're like ok with each other, don't chill all the time or anything but we're nice with each other.
OK.... to the first bolded part: We were friends for 9 years.. basically sisters separated at birth. So YES we were really friends to begin with. To the second part I bolded: I don't have a habit of abandoning friendships, did I say that anywhere? This is the FIRST and ONLY time I've ever cut off a friendship. I am a VERY loyal person, almost to a fault. We were having a lot of drama/stress the last probably 3 or so years of our friendship. So it's not like I just decided, eh she's starting to have issues, let me cut the strings before it gets worse. NO. I was there for her and honestly made every effort I could to help her and make things better. But in the end, if it's breaking me down as a person, why should I keep myself in such a toxic environment simply because it might be better for her? As an Update: I have yet to reach out and contact her.. not sure if I ever will but at least I got some advice about it.
Well that is exactly why I included * (although I dont know the whole story) * in my post. If you where friends for that long and you tried well then you did the best you could =)
If the past didn't stay in the past it wouldn't be the past anymore. Sometimes you have to just move on from things to enjoy life. There are plenty of people that I used to be, literally, assaulted by etc, but since then they've grown up and we've become friends and put all of the past where it should be. Good luck with your situation.
There's no harm really in being friends with the girl? But in the end the past is probably left in the past.
I agree with what's already been said. The past is, indeed, the past. You can't change what's already been done. You can change what's up ahead, though. That's what counts. If you two were such good friends before, then reconnect.
The past should be the past. The problems between you two should also be the past. Talk to her, see how she feels, set things straight. If things work out, then that's great, if not, then too bad. You'll always have other friends.
The past is the past. Try to talk to her and see how it goes. Or just ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist.
I regret not letting the past be the past with my ex. Now its too late to even try to be friends with her.